On casting aside the records (and maybe the memories, or not)

I occasionally wonder about if or how our constant recording of things shapes our ability, or lack there of, to move on from them. In less than two centuries time we've moved from only the affluent leaving behind their images (in painting or statuary) or ideas (in writing), then to daguerreotypes to Polaroids to Twitpic and Facebook Timeline. And I don't think any of it is inherently good or bad. But they're new things to consider in terms of how and when we look back, how we heal, how we move on, and how we let go.

But that's global and "we" and anthropological curiosity. Let me put it in the "I."

I used to use Gchat incessantly at work at Penn because my time and talents were underutilized and I was bored. After a while (and some promotions, and some managerial interventions) I stopped using it. So, just based on statistical likelihood, four years later most any search of my inbox will call forth an automatically archived Gchat conversation with Joey, some of which will be five years old this year. Almost half a decade. That's (on September 28th) how long ago we met. And he's been dead almost three years now. And still he comes to mind so often that it's crazy.

I'm not very good at remembering dates and anniversaries, unless there's a peculiar reason to, and then I'll never forget them. When Joey met me and was appalled to be flirting with a twenty three year old, he expressed hope that I'd soon be twenty four. "Nope. Haven't even been twenty three for two whole weeks yet." All of that to say, I'm not good at remembering them consciously, but something in me is incredibly attached to the date, because around an anniversary of his death or birth or our meeting or, as I experienced this past holiday season, our breaking up, I will find myself agitated, moody, sad, or otherwise just off without realizing why.

This year when it happened, I had a sneaking suspicion. I hit my inbox and searched for a particularly hurtful phrase (which I still remembered exactly) from a particularly hurtful email and, what do you know, it was the four years to the day after he half broke up with me, by email, and then left to volunteer with PAWS, knowing that he wouldn't be reachable after doing so. After his death I cried, wrote letters, forgave, and asked forgiveness. Which, as it turns out, doesn't keep something deep within me from mourning or hurting or being so fucking pissed off that I would absolutely belt him across the face if he were to be resurrected tomorrow.

That funny knowing-before-knowing again this week. A TV show reminded me of an argument we had about his smoking. He was leaving shortly and was going to smoke before he left. I told him not to since he was about to leave anyway, and I didn't want to kiss him goodbye right after a cigarette. I told him I wouldn't. He smoked, and I wouldn't kiss him. In my recent remembering I thought of myself as having been straight forward, him telling me that his friends took his side and called me tedious, and me being sure that I had disagreed with them and him at the time.

Well, today's inbox search for a board related event email turned up the Gchat about that evening from November 2007. He called me puerile. And I was profusely apologetic. I was simpering. I was pleading. And, I was absolutely disgusted looking back at it today. I was mad that years later I want him to come back, sit down, talk about how we treated each other, apologize, and move on. Thus I decided that I don't want to feel shitty on a given day and wonder what fight we had what feels like lifetimes ago and I deleted every chat and email. Gone. No more record of what happened between us, other than what I carry with me.

I had very few things of his after he died but I remember being very angry that I chose to donate the one shirt of his I had, after wearing it a year or two, and then not having it in my closet and not remembering donating it, and feeling like I'd lost a piece of intentional closure. Eventually it turned up again, and I gave it away with intention and that was that. The only thing I have now is a fax he sent me one day at work. I actually hate what the fax reminds me of, but in and of itself is nice enough. I kept it because it's handwritten (albeit an electronic copy of handwriting) and it felt like the one thing worth saving until I myself die.

Incidentally, I now keep one handwritten thing from every person I love. Sometimes it's just a label from a Christmas present. Sometimes this year's card stays and last year's gets tossed because neither say anything profound and both have the same signature, and it seems to make sense to have the most recent copy.

 I think more than wanting to hash things out with Joey, I would like him to see me four years older and wiser, self actualized, with an education, no longer wasting my talents. That he could be in a relationship with me when he was, that he could relate to me then, spoke as much about where he was as I. So I can be mad about how he treated me, and I can be mad that I took it, but we were where we were. You know, that whole thing about every relationship in your life being a mirror and us just having love/hate, love/hate, anger, frustration, and saying the cruelest thing possible to win the last word. We both did. For better or worse, much of the person that I've become and am proud of came out of knowing him.

And, there's the part of me that is so, so, so relieved that he is not here. Relief, mixed as it was with profound grief and anger, was part of my reaction to his death almost immediately. It meant no more. No more not talking to him; suddenly it wasn't even an option. No more him inevitably coming back into my life. No more me falling for his charm. No more apologizing for things I wasn't sorry for. No more apologizing for things I was sorry for. No more doing things that made me feel like shit. No more queasiness and anger and frustration while I watched him hurt himself and others. Plus, what if somehow his living meant I didn't grow? Or what if he lived and I grew and he didn't and he couldn't be happy for me or proud of me? I wish we could be proud of each other, and friends, but his being dead means there's no risk either that somehow I could still be terribly hurt by him.

I think I've always been waiting for the part where the grief was gone. When I could talk about it cleanly. When I wouldn't have to talk about the relief that his death provided so that people wouldn't think I was a terrible person. While the mourning has long since passed, I realize that the grief never will. I think knowing that is part of what made it both easy and necessary to delete all those old things. Reading them will only make me sad or angry, while continuing to move in the best direction possible from the sum of experiences of my life so far is my best bet for love, joy, and fulfillment. I will die loving him and I will die hurt by him and I will die angry with him. But, I don't need to look back. I've learned the lessons that I could; retrospection now is just opening old wounds.

Onward.

Scripts for calling your Congressional Representatives about SNDA and SSIA

Thank you for taking the time to call your representatives in Congress to help pass the Student Non-Discrimination Act (SNDA) and the Safe Schools Improvement Act (SSIA). Below are the scripts for calling your representatives. Since the bills have different numbers in each house of Congress, you will see that there is one script to use for you two Senators, and a second script to use for your Representative in the House.

Senate Script (You will call both Senators from your state.)


"Hello,

My name is __________________________ and I'm calling from _______City, State_______  to express my support for Senate Bill 555, the Student Non-Discrimination Act, and Senate Bill 506, the Safe Schools Improvement Act.

Can you tell me where Senator _____________ stands on these bills?"

* If the Senator's staff tells you that the Senator is a co-sponsor of either or both bills:  "Thank you and thank Senator _____________ for his/her support.

* If the Senator supports both bills but isn't a co-sponsor of one or either: "Thank you and thank Senator _____________ for his/her support. I also ask that Senator _____________ consider co-sponsoring these bills in order to build momentum and help them pass."

* If the Senator doesn't support the bills: "I'm disappointed to hear that. Having a safe school environment for every child should be a basic American right. Please ask Senator ____________ to reconsider supporting these bills. I will be watching his/her vote."


* If the office staff isn’t sure: “Having a safe school environment for every child should be a basic American right. Please ask Senator  ____________ to support these bills, and to consider co-sponsoring both.”



House of Representatives Script (You only have one Representative to call.)

"Hello,

My name is __________________________ and I'm calling from _______City, State_______  to express my support for House Bill 998, the Student Non-Discrimination Act, and House Bill 1648, the Safe Schools Improvement Act.

Can you tell me where Representative _____________ stands on these bills?"

* If the Representative's staff tells you that the Representative is a co-sponsor of either or both bills:  "Thank you and thank Representative _____________ for his/her support.

* If the Representative supports both bills but isn't a co-sponsor of one or either: "Thank you and thank Representative _____________ for his/her support. I also ask that Representative _____________ consider co-sponsoring these bills in order to build momentum and help them pass."

* If the Representative doesn't support the bills: "I'm disappointed to hear that. Having a safe school environment for every child should be a basic American right. Please ask Representative ____________ to reconsider supporting these bills. I will be watching his/her vote."

* If the office staff isn’t sure: “Having a safe school environment for every child should be a basic American right. Please ask Representative ____________ to support these bills, and to consider co-sponsoring both.”

Zanna Don't Comes to the William Way Community Center.

As many of you know, I am a huge fan and supporter of the William Way Community Center, having helped design their Homecoming event in June, including co-producing the entertainment portion of the evening.  Now, separately, another fine group of folks is putting on a series of shows at William Way which will simultaneously pay local artists, as well as raise funds for the Center. Talk about a win/win!  Currently, they are still casting their first show, Zanna Don't.  Check out the info below and please, share this with anyone you think may be interested.

Overview

Welcome to Heartsville High, set in a world where everyone is gay--well, almost everyone! The big-man-on-campus is the chess champion, and the captain of the football team is made cool by being cast as the lead in the school musical. The students write a controversial show called "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" about straight people in the military, which becomes the catalyst for a young man and woman to fall in love. Enter Zanna, a magical, musical fairy who, with a wave of his wand, brings true love to one and all!

Choreography by Cliff Roberts of "Two Step Friday's" at Woody's and "Brokeback Saturday's" at ICandy with costuming provided by Philly AIDS Thrift.  Zanna Don't will support the programming for William Way GLBT Community Center and feature the community.  Please friend "Zannadont Williamway" on Facebook orwillyphillydares@gmail.com for audition times and information."

Break Downs:

NOTE: all are seniors in high school, and should be cast as multi-culturally as possible.

ZANNA (tenor/baritone to high G): the heart and soul of Heartsville; a hip, fun-loving matchmaker, driven to make the world better, even if he doesn't always fully think through his choices

STEVE (baritone to E-flat above middle C): the new guy in town; All-American high school football hunk, but self-effacing and shy; hoping desperately to fit in, his dreams will be alternately fulfilled and shattered.

KATE (belt to C, plus a few other higher notes mixed in): sweet, innocent over-achiever who, like Steve, is not quite prepared to have her world thrown upside-down.

MIKE (tenor/baritone to high G): all-around cool guy; captain of the chess team, which makes him king of the school, but with a humble appreciation of the simple joys in life, like finding that one special guy to settle down with.

ROBERTA (belt to high F): tough as nails on the outside, a hopeless romantic on the inside; perennial unlucky in relationships, she heroically, and comically, never gives up her pursuit of true love.

TANK (tenor/baritone to high G): Zanna's sidekick, and the school DJ; somewhere between nerdy and ultra-cool, he's also hopelessly in love with Zanna; doubles as a DINER CUSTOMER and also TEX.

CANDI (belt to C, plus a few other higher notes mixed in): the school's narrow-minded busy-body, the one you love to hate; doubles as a DINER CUSTOMER and LORETTA.

ARVIN (baritone to E-flat; should have a few low notes as well): Candi's browbeaten sidekick; a nice guy who just sort of goes with the flow; doubles as DINER CUSTOMER and also BRONCO.

The HIV Vaccine Trial and Me

A few friends have asked about (and had concerns about) my Facebook posts about the HIV vaccine trial that I'm participating in, so I thought I'd create a post about it to let everyone know what's up.  The primary reason that I post about it quite candidly is because there is still far too much stigma around HIV, and also because I hope that some of my friends will consider enrolling.

Philadelphia is one of a number of cities currently participating in a vaccine trial that is studying the effects of an experimental vaccine on gay and bisexual men, and transgender women.  I had two screening visits and today I received my first of four injections.  The first three are plasmid DNA that have a fragment of genetic code of the HIV virus; the fourth is RNA introduced by a deactivated adenovirus, AKA the common cold.  The study is open only to HIV negative participants, and the vaccinations cannot cause HIV/AIDS.

I chose to participate for two reasons: 1) to benefit medical science in advancing the search for effective HIV prevention and 2) for the possibility of reducing my risk of contracting HIV if exposed to it.  Granted, the plan is still to use safer sex practices to reduce that likelihood, but if the condom breaks and I can have an immune system that has possibly already been trained to recognize and react to HIV, why not? Of course, it's entirely possible that I'm getting either a placebo or a totally ineffective vaccine.

Additionally, the first time this study was done it was stopped because uncircumcised men and men who had been exposed to the adenovirus used in the fourth shot and who received the vaccine actually ended up at a higher risk of contracting HIV.  I do not fall into either of these categories, but whether there are other risk factors not yet known remains to be seen.  Other than a little tenderness at the injection site, I feel fine after my first shot today, and also having had 23 vials of blood taken today.  That's about a half pint, so never having been seriously ill, it's by far the most I've ever had drawn.  Next injection is May 23rd and the staff is so awesome that I'm oddly looking forward to going back for it.

The Notorious OMG Performs

Here's the latest on my upcoming performances in March and April in Philly.

xoxOMG

Photo Credit: Tara Lessard of Freedom G Photography

Sister's Burlesque Showcase

RSVP on Facebook

Sisters

Friday, March 25

Doors at 9 PM, show at 11

1320 Chancellor Street

Bravissimo Burlesque

RSVP on Facebook

Wineo

Saturday, March 26

Doors at 9:30, show at 10:30

447 Poplar Street

Gay it Forward Philadelphia!
A Bachelor/ette Auction to benefit the William Way Community Center

RSVP on Facebook

Smokin' Betty's

Saturday, April 2nd 

Doors at 9PM, auction begins promptly at 10

447 Poplar Street

Finally, I'm excited to say that it looks like I will be performing on April 6th at Philly's inaugural edition of PUSSY FAGGOT, the fabulous and (in)famous Lower East Side queer art and performance party that is curated by Earl Dax, and that has gotten raves from the New York Times as "The Party That Dare Not Speak Its Name."

Exclusive Interview with Buck Angel

Buck Angel is trans man and an award winning, pioneering producer and performer in the adult entertainment industry.  I recently saw on his Twitter feed that he was heading to the UK, and was tweeting BBC (@bbcentertain) saying that he'd love to be the host on Graham Norton's show.  While I do work for Buck's talent agency and know so pretty fabulous people, I'm not *quite* at that level where I can just drop names and manage a transatlantic TV booking. Yet. ;D  However, I thought it'd be a great chance to chat with Buck about his media experiences, and why he might like to go on the air across the pond.  He graciously granted me this interview.


Pistol: You've made the rounds of national TV and radio shows.  One of your most noted appearances was on The Tyra Show. Was this your first national appearance? How was the experience?

From Buck's FB Fan Page.

Buck Angel: Oh yes the Tyra Show! No, it was not my first. I have been on The Maury Show, as well as Howard Stern. The US media is not so into having me on their shows because of my work in the adult industry. I have been on more mainstream shows in the UK and Europe. The Tyra Show was actually something that I kind of got roped into. They had been wanting me on for many years but I did not want to do a show that did not discuss my adult work. They refused to do that so I said no. Then they called me up and said they wanted to do a whole show on my career and life. Well, to make a long story short, after flying there on the red eye they prepare me for the show. And as I am walking on my wife Elayne says "Look at the title of the show" and it was something like "Sex freaks" or something like that. I was so mad but I was getting pushed out on stage and right into the waiting arms of Tyra. Needless to say I was very upset during that whole interview. People tell me they could not tell and that I was great, but if you notice she never says my last name nor does she ever say anything about my adult work. But it worked out and I became Tyra's most memorable guest of season 5!!


P: The main focus of that interview seemed to just be reconciling the idea of an FTM man who is masculine and loves his vagina. Is that what a lot of your interviews are like? If you get on the Graham Norton show, do you think him being queer will mean you'll spend less time explaining your trans identity and talk about other things as well?

BA: Well Tyra is a show about sensationalism not about education. The more they can shock the better! I seem to be able to always turn that around and make it more educational. Of course people want to talk about me being a man with a vagina as they can't believe that I am so comfortable with it. Wow, many women aren't even comfortable with their vagina! Did you see how Tyra was all freaked out when I asked her "Don't you love your vagina?"

I think Graham will discuss my sex change but I also think he will want to talk more about my education and advocacy. Though or course his show is very funny so he might want to do some kind of funny thing with me and of course I am all for that!


P: It's not always easy in our society being "out" as sex positive, a sex worker rights advocate, or what have you. You're an adult film star and get daytime media appearances. Did you ever expect this? Are people generally respectful of your line of work?

BA: You are very right on about that. People look so down on you when you say you work in adult films. It's so ridiculous how I am treated sometimes. It has not been easy for me to make a transition to anything mainstream. It still is not easy. I will always have this stigma of being a "porn star" as if that is a bad thing. I am really trying to change the way society looks at sex and people who choose to work in that industry. Not many people in the sex industry have really ever been able to make that transition but I am determined.


P: If you had been ten years old and seen someone like you on TV, do you think it would've made your path to transition quicker or more sure? What role models did you have, or what books did you read/shows did you watch that you saw yourself in?

From Buck's FB Fan Page

BA: Of course. I think it would have changed my whole life. When I was kid I would fantasize about being John Wayne. I always wanted to be a cowboy. It was tough when I finally realized that I was really a girl; my whole life fell apart. Martina Navatrola was a big influence for me early on as I was a athlete in my younger days and I excelledin that. She is such a strong woman and I really saw lots of masculinity in her that I wanted. I think she is a great role model for many people, not just girls.

P: I'm a Philly boy and a lot of the queer and sex positive communities are buzzing over you coming here soon with your wife Elayne Angel, who is a world-renowned body piercer.  Are you often able to travel together? And can you tell us a little about what you'll be doing on your visit here?

That's super nice to hear. It will be my first time in Philly. I usually just head to NYC. My wife Elayne gets to travel to many cities to guest pierce and so we are lucky in that I can try to find something to do in that city if I am not already booked. So as of late we have been doing lots of traveling together which is great.

I will be doing two workshops with Passional at Sexploratorium and you can see them on my touring calendar.  The first one on Friday, February 18th, is "Sexing The Trans Man - Buck shares his experiences in creating a whole new genre of mainstream erotica and how to be comfortable sexually."  Then on the 19th I'm doing "The Buck Angel Effect: Buck shares his life journey"

P: You did a great "It Gets Better" video. Is working with youth something your have particular interest in?

BA:  Thank you. It was not an easy video for me to make. I have never really thought that I wanted to work with youth and that is not really what my work is about. I am not trying to just advocate for one community. My message is bigger than that. I feel the need to advocate for people who do not fit in the box, people who have never felt comfortable in their own skin. That is more than being transsexual or gay. My goal is to change the way the world views people like us. To understand that we are all here and that we can all be happy.

Thanks so much for the interview and see you in Philly!

P: You're welcome, and thank you!

I've embedded Buck's It Gets Better video below.  Please check it out, and find him on Twitter, on Facebook, and on his YouTube channel.  Finally, if you would like to bring Buck to your town, check out his profile with PhinLi and email bookings[at]phinli[dot]com

For the first time in my adult life: a job I LOVE

I am very, very, extremely excited to say that starting today, I have a job that I love. In my final semester at TCNJ I interned with PhinLi Bookings, LLC, a talent agency which represents LGBTQ and Sex Positive artists, performers, and authors, and now I am working for them.  Since I am both writing a book and pursuing acting, with a full run of a play happening in May, I have been seeking a job that would provide some stability, but is flexible and part time.  I didn't dream that I'd not only get it, but that it'd be a place that I have already enjoyed working! Additionally, how I came to find PhinLi is one of those "isn't if funny how life works out?" stories.

Giovanni's Room photographed by uwishunu

It must've been about two years ago that Giovanni's Room was first having their fundraisers to rebuild a structural wall that cost over $50,000 to repair.  I happened to tweet a musing that it would be awesome if Kate Bornstein did a reading as a fundraiser for them.  Little did I expect that a few minutes later I'd get a reply from Kate saying that that sounded like something she'd be very excited to do, indeed!  I went and saw her perform at Hot Fest that summer.  She did a special piece that was coupled with  Sean Dorsey's stunning "Uncovered: The Diary Project," as a one-time pairing for the festival only.  There we met for the first time, and I also met Serpahin, one of the two women behind PhinLi.  Both Seraphin and Lisa came down to Kate's reading at Giovanni's Room that fall, and though I didn't know how at the time, I knew it'd be a lasting relationship.

If someone had told me then that I'd be working for them, but that it would take a few years to work out the details, I wouldn't have had the patience for that, though I might now.  However, I didn't know, and the details were all interwoven with everything else going on in my life.  I made the decision to go back to school in November of 2009, lost my job a few days later, and both got accepted to school and started interning with First Person Arts a few weeks later.  I don't know exactly how things came together in the summer of 2010 but I knew I needed an internship in the fall, PhinLi needed an intern, we got in touch, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Gender Queeries Logo by JAC Stringer

Since then I've met more of our talent than I had expected, including Johnny Blazes at the International Drag King Extravaganza (IDKE); Ivan Coyote, S. Bear Bergman, Jessica Halem, Sassafras Lowrey and Sinclair Sexsmith at Sideshow in NYC; and Kelli Dunham at an event co-hosted by Queer Memoir and First Person Arts.  In addition, I've been hankering to perform with a few (OK as many as possible) of the folks on our talent roster, and in fact, that's happening! On March 5th the Liberty City Kings are having our Vixens & Vagabonds Queer & Kinky Cabaret and The Gender Queeries are our guests!  They are a traveling troupe that include the aforementioned and immeasurably fabulous Johnny Blazes, Ignacio Rivera (also repped by PhinLi), and Midwest GenderQueer, who is not repped by us, but who've I've recommended to be at our next expansion, and whom I also met at IDKE.  I am so super stoked to perform with these amazing artists and be the MC for the show.

Method Cleaning Products for the Genderqueer Win!

I don't have only one gender, use one dominant hand for doing everything, think that "top or bottom?" does the miraculous possibilities of sexuality any justice whatsoever, or generally fit into any binary, so this just made my whole day. This marks the first time I've ever seen a web form that requires an answer for gender, and yet lets you choose an answer other than "male" or "female," with the exception of a form for an LGBTQ organization. Dear Method: it'd be cheaper for me to buy Whole Foods brand plant based cleansers, but I will buy a product of yours just for being this nifty.

xo,
Pistol

Genderfabulous in Sci-Fi & Fantasy - Share your geekery with me!

If you follow my Twitter and/or Facebook, you have likely heard that I am writing a book, specifically a collection of essays, and it's on gender and some of the messy places that it touches upon in our lives.  As my friend Scout put it "My gosh, that could be an encyclopedia. Good luck whittling that down to fit into a single volume."  Indeed, Scout, indeed.

I am whittling down and speaking mostly from personal experience and observation, which is generally a good way to say out of trouble.  Yesterday I got to thinking, inspired by Lordissa knows what, about how explorations of non-binary gender in fiction tend to come up, in my experience, only in science fiction and, as some thoughtful, geeky friends pointed out, in fantasy as well.  The two examples that I thought of were: 1) In Slaughterhouse Five, it is pointed out to Billy that human sexual reproduction requires not two, but five human sexes, including gay men, women over 65, and the children who died before the age of one.  (Most were present in the fourth dimension only which would mean they were stationary in space and moving through time at light speed, but I'll let it slide.)  2)  In A Wrinkle in Time Meg is cared for by an alien that gets the name "Aunt Beast."  The creature gives no indication of having a sex or gender, but chooses those two words based on reconciling Meg's language with how she was relating to Meg.

The Slaughterhouse Five example is significant especially for it's inclusion of gay men as intrinsically necessary to the continuation of the human race as they/we are often portrayed as ill and detrimental to society.  (I usually choose queer on both sexuality and gender fronts, but "gay man" describes a significant portion of my experience and culture.)  It also breaks down the idea that men and women are sexually complimentary, and that it turn questions a great deal of assumptions about compulsory heterosexuality and sex and gender binarism.  In A Wrinkle in Time the author instead uses an entirely different species that exhibits no sex/gender (at least insofar as they're described in the book), yet Meg's language necessarily imposes gender upon them.

The idea that in order to explore non-binary sex and gender it must be written in a fantasy or sci-fi genre is at turns amusing, frustrating, and horrifying.  Living outside of one or both of those binaries is a reality for lots of us.  Maybe if it was in the non-fiction section instead, a beautiful, healthy baby born neither male, nor female, would simply be celebrated instead of labeled as diseased and likely submitted to surgery that is non-consensual and not medically necessary.  But I digress (for now).

I put it out to my Twitter crowd, and I am now putting it out here:  I would love to hear what you've read that explored humans, aliens, hobbits, or  whomever outside of sex/gender binaries, and how you felt about it.  Specifically, I want to publish these in the book as part of the essay.  Basically a sort of "you're totally not alone, go see these fiction books as affirming models of non-binary sex gender and make it your own reality."  So here's the deal:  if you consent to me using your words in my book, won't sue me, and aren't looking for compensation, please post below.  I'm looking for 1) The name of the book or show 2) how it broke sex/gender binary 3) 1-2 sentences about what you liked best about it (or write more and I'll edit down) and 4) How you'd like to be credited.  It can either be completely anonymous or I'll include one or all of your name, Twitter handle, and blog or website.

I got some great responses on Twitter that I'm posting screenshots of below.  (Anybody with a private account, I have respected that and not reposted here.)

So, PLEASE, share away, and then in a year or so you can tell all your friends you're published in a brilliant and geeky essay about gender on Mars. Or something.  And retweet, post on FB, and send this out to your listserve for scifi meetups. Don't lie, I know you have one.  I saw that picture of you at a Trekkie convention on Facebook. ;D

Writing Prompt: Fear & anger is ruining your country. Write for love..

I suppose this blog will need a prequel at some point to explain how exactly it is that, after an exhaustive year of reading and writing (and writing, and writing) for school, I've decided write a collection of essays to be published as a book.  Directly, it's about gender, which is to say indirectly it's about loving oneself, loving others, and celebrating diversity.   And when I say celebrate diversity, I don't mean like one of those awkward HR meetings with a brown bag lunch where they remind you to please follow the company policy of not being awful to brown people and maybe women, and maybe even queer people.  I mean celebrate diversity like throw a big party because I'm queer and monogamous and not religious and you're poly and straight and a Unitarian Universalist and neither of us need to save or convert or convince the other.  We don't have to sing Kumbaya, but we can at least have a block party together.  I won't even complain about the nitrates in your hot dog while I eat my organic quinoa salad, unless you happen to ask me why I have the food preferences I do.  Promise.

I've had little fits and starts of writing here and there, outlining essay names and some ideas, and feeling very foolishly proud and ahead of the game for having one essay already complete.  (What game I don't know since I'm unemployed and maybe four people even know I'm writing the damn thing.)   This is ridiculous because the completed essay is actually what inspired the book idea and until today I hadn't completed another essay, but I digress.  The devastating news of an assassination attempt on US Representative Gabrielle Giffords prompted me to write what will likely be the penultimate essay on the book, which is directly about loving oneself, and one's neighbor as well.  I see that as an antidote to fearing both one's internal reality and/or one's neighbor, which is the root of much oppression & violence.

I have lots of thoughts on that, but for now, I'd rather concentrate on writing, and the process thereof.  I remember learning to write here and there.  Persuasive writing was in the fifth grade.  At some point I got instructions on using more description in my (apparently sparse, utilitarian) writing, and later instruction to be less flowery and get to the point.  Only one college professor ever devoted a class period to writing, despite having to write multiple papers in nearly every course in my major and having  to write a thesis to graduate.  Additionally, I was generally considered one of the strongest writers among my peers, even in honors classes, and my experience of education is that the weakest students in a give subject received the most attention.

I am also a fierce critic and editor of my own work because I have complex ideas which I desire to explore fully, first broadly and then in minute detail, parsing arguments and laying things out in a spectacularly clear way, while still making attempts to remain as concise as possible.  Add to that a poet's soul, a penchant for snarky humor, and a bit of a perfectionist streak and I often find myself crippled by the second paragraph.  A blog wants to become an essay, an essay wants to become a book, and a book wants to become a multi-edition history of the world that brings together politics, particle physics, post-modern theory, and various other things beginning with the letter "p."  I then try to step back, reel in, use highly specific language to reduce overall verbiage, and focus my writing as narrowly as possible.

Today, I felt like I was writing one of the most emotionally raw, honest, and important pieces of my life and I had to let ALL of that bullshit go.  I don't know many writers or follow a great deal of them on Twitter but it seems that once again Kate Bornstein has been my mentor, even from afar.  I remember her tweeting about "crap drafting," and though I have no idea whether she originated the term, it has stuck with me.  It reminds me almost of the way on writes morning pages as prescribed by The Artist's Way, which is to say without any regard or attachment to what ends up on the page.  Of course morning pages are specifically NOT supposed to be writing as in an essay or novel, but more like a purge of the mind.

However, the tactic, I believe, works just as well for "real" writing, fiction or non.  It took writing this huge momentous thing to give myself over to it because nothing I've ever written before was so important to get out of me and on to the page.  I was writing about experiences so deeply personal and intense that I knew any editing by the second paragraph in would absolutely kill it.  I know that barely any of what I wrote will make it into the final copy.  I know that I was unfocused, and made poor connections between the story I was telling, and the (for lack of a better word) moral of that story. The thing is, I've rarely been prouder of anything I've written, not because this was written well, but because it was written honestly and I now have the raw materials that can be crafted into something beautiful.  I am trusting in my ability to crap draft now and revisit later.  I think this has opened up a path for the book to actually get written, instead of being an interesting conversation piece of something I'm "working on."

Write here, write now.

To writers (& all artists): don't ever wait to begin. There is no time, ever, that you will be so prepared and inspired as to immediately birth the perfect, complete piece. I just allowed myself to write five incoherent pages and realized that, while I already had the support of my advisor to insert my own narrative into my thesis, to write truthfully about drag, I must totally radicalize the form of scholarly writing. In this moment of artistic & scholastic liberty, I realized that I am writing both a thesis and a one-(wo/hu)man performance piece.  


Drag in the post modern age is about transcending barriers; I cannot tell a new truth inside an old structure. Liberate yourself.  Be spherical instead of linear.  Hold contradictions in your mind and wait for the truth of the paradox to reveal itself.  Be brave.  Be brave with me.  Help me be brave, when I doubt my own voice and think this was all a grandiose, terrible, very bad, very scary idea.  


It probably helps to endlessly re-read the Tao Te Ching.

My friend Mel and I, with props provided by Kings n' Things from Austin, TX, posing in their hotel room at the twelfth annual International Drag King Extravaganza.  After an amazing series of interviews for my thesis (and the upcoming documentary being produced which gave rise to my own studies) they wanted to dress us up and have a photo shoot.  Clearly, we happily obliged.

The Thrill of Queer Scholarship

There is something extremely thrilling about the research I am currently undertaking on drag kings for my thesis, which is the capstone experience of my baccalaureate education in gender studies.  Since returning to school to complete my B.A., all of my research has been relatively trying, primarily because I have consistently chosen to examine the largely unexamined, ie, LGBTQ, non-white, and/or anti-capitalist individuals and communities.

Angela Davis' autobiography is out of print; I had to buy it.  The library didn't have a copy of The Transgender Studies Reader; I borrowed it from a friend.  One of the best queer scholarly journals is British; I've begged access from professors who are also gracious friends and who have access to better resourced libraries than I do.  In other words, my research on queer subjects has necessarily reflected attributes of many queer communities: communal pooling of resources, resilience in the face of frustration, crafting a voice for myself and my communities from a little of this and a dash of that and heaping scoops of moxy, audacity, and pride.

Somehow, this research on drag kings has been easier.  In fact, it's ben so much easier that it's harder:  I have a bumper crop of scholarly articles and theoretical frameworks, so much so that I have to be extremely specific in my focus in order to keep to twenty five to thirty pages.  This is before I have begun logging and transcribing the footage that I captured, with the tireless efforts of my wonderful friend Mel, at the twelfth annual International Drag King Extravaganza.  I have yet to set foot in an archive to unearth historical artifacts; time constraints will not allow me to do so.

In addition, the relatively small of queer communities puts lots of people within my reach whose straight counterparts I would be unlikely to have access to.  What do I mean by unusual access?  I mean that my phone buzzes at a half past midnight and one of the theorists upon whom my work is based has texted me to say we should make a date to discuss my work.  Similarly, the relative youth of a (vaguely) cohesive set of LGBT cultures in America, essentially post-Stonewall, means that many of the founders are still alive or, at least on film and very much remembered by the adults and elders of my communities.

There is another dimension of joy in my scholarship, and that is style in which I am finding some of the articles written.  There is an infusion of personal narrative directly into scholarly examination.  Indeed, it was a suggestion in the feminist research book that accompanied the course that it can be a feminist project to assert new feminist epistemologies and methodologies, including the location of the scholar in the scholarship, rather than posing as an objective observer as in modern scientific experimentation.  I had jokingly asked my Twitter followers whether I could refer to a theorist by first name in my thesis since I knew her personally; the answer was a clear "no."  I further challenged that this was a thesis on drag, that irreverence should reflect in the style of the writing as well as the subject, and that I could turn the paper in with glitter in the cover to make this clear.  Indeed, I believe that a queering of the academic style could be valuable to its overall purpose, which is to amplify the voices of those who are often culturally, and especially legally, voiceless in society.

One final joy: reading about people that I have seen perform as formative in drag communities and culture.  I can take or leave Hollywood stars; boutique celebrities who perform on small stages and are written up in scholarly journals make me swoon.

My photo taken at IDKE XII: Gender Justice by Puppet L'Artist.

In which Judith Butler's semantic brilliance leads to a mantra for uppity activists

"To make trouble was, within the reigning discourse of my childhood, something one should never do precisely because that would get one in trouble.  The rebellion and its reprimand seemed to be caught up in the same terms, a phenomenon that gave rise to my first critical insight into the subtle ruse of power: the prevailing law threatened one with trouble, even put one in trouble, all to keep one out of trouble.  Hence, I concluded that trouble is inevitable and the task, how best to make it, what best way to be in it." Judith Butler, preface to the 1st edition of Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity


Well there you go.  We're all in trouble anyway, we might as well make trouble for all of the right reasons.  This is a call for subversion, and for civil disobedience.  


Civil disobedience is stating, through actions, that laws do not define what is just, and certainly not what is real.  Civil disobedience says, "this law that denies me my full humanity is not real.  I am real.  I am only an outlaw as defined against your oppressive system.  It is oppression, and not me, that needs doing away with."  Laws are merely a reflection of the current state of progress, or lack thereof, in a culture's social contract and the resultant legal code and associated judiciary and penal systems. 


Another way I often think about the unnecessary deference we pay to the law is when people, upon discovering that I go by a chosen name and not my legal/father-given name, often ask, "oh, well what's your real name then."  My real name is whatever I tell you it is.  My legal name is James Paul Flesher.  It's on a birth certificate and a driver's license and a passport as well.  All of them were issued by agencies of a government that has deemed me a second class citizen.  I am real.  It is not.  My name is Rudy.  I am an outlaw, not because I live outside of what is just, but because I refuse to let an arbitrarily oppressive system define my reality.


Let's cause some trouble.  Clearly we're in for it anyway.  Let's caucus on how best to make it and what best way to be in it.

Lauren, Katherine, Lana too: On Channeling Glamour

I met Sarah Green, of the band Dangerous Ponies, a while back when we both performed at QueerChannel to benefit The Attic Youth Center here in Philadelphia.  I performed as a drag king that night, complete with flannel and a false mustache, but was headed out to the Bar AIDS fundraiser afterwards in full fabulosity - AKA a twenty four inch lime waist cincher with rhinestones and paillettes.  Sarah complimented my cincher, I was drawn to her zebra jumpsuit, and magic happened.

As it turned out, Sarah was producing her second annual genderqueer calendar and looking for models.  I was familiar with the calendar from the previous year and was excited to work with her.  We met at my favorite local coffee shop, One Shot in Northern Liberties, and talked art, careers, Dangerous Ponies' touring schedule and amazing two-tune purple tour van, and my inspirations for our upcoming photo shoot together.  My goal was to evoke and create a post-modern, genderqueer homage to Bettie Page.  One of the most iconic things about Bettie was her luxurious black hair and.  However, in my drag and genderfuck performance I do not wear wigs and do not perform "realness," as it's referred to in drag circles.  My goal is not to pass convincingly as female bodied, but rather to disrupt and deconstruct the gender binary by a conscious mixing of gender signals and signifiers.

This meant that to capture Bettie's spirit I was going to have to nail the poses and the energy.  All of our initial shots were on a sofa, posed after a few iconic pictures of her, including some with a riding crop, as Bettie created some of the earliest and best known images of bondage and BDSM.  Interestingly, I haven't seen any of these photos yet since the Ponies are touring and Sarah's editing time is slim.  After we did some of the classic poses, we got me up off the sofa and channeling my inner glamourous femme queen.  This is what we've come up with so far:

The first two pictures that went up on Sarah's blog were ones where she had played with some color filters.

  In the first I think I look very send-up of a 50's house wife who has just burnt the toast and is trying to look innocent and a little dumb.  Also, though I love the color on this, the filter (or perhaps just the lighting) did substantially change the color of the lipstick away from the very classic red that I choose. Moot, though, because this wasn't a classic Bettie pose anyway.

The color from the second is very 70's Playboy, which I love in terms of the look, and is interesting in terms of further muddling signifiers, because the pose and the outfit are not at all of that era.

On the other hand, the picture that Sarah most recently posted in an album previewing the entire calendar put me very much in mind of Marilyn Monroe as photographed my Richard Avedon. It's not exact (since I wasn't going for that look) but the way it came out is stunning, and I give all of the credit to Sarah for being such a great director from behind the camera.   All I can say is that it's absolutely stunning, and I could not be more in love.

Buy it - buy it in every color!

My mother used to tell me I only ran at two speeds - slow and reverse. That's no longer true, but one thing that remains is I tend towards extremes. Extremes, for example, like going from running sporadically to training for a half marathon in about three weeks. (It went surprisingly well). Another example would be my twenty two inch corset, three layers thick with steel coil boning. Yes, that's eight inches smaller than my natural waist. Yes, most people only take in four to six inches when corseting. Yes, I had to have it custom made in order to go that far without cracking a rib. As I said, I'm into extremes.

I tend the same way with shopping - buy nothing for the longest time and then say, to hell with it, I need a new wardrobe. I had amassed quite a shoe collection a while back, and hadn't bought a pair in about five years, until the two I bought for the Liberty Cities Kings show that I MCed this past Sunday. In fact, those shoes develop a blog of their own. Later.

Today I stopped in at Delicious Boutique & Corseterie where I had gotten my first (and up until today only) corset because 1) my friend had never been, and needed to see their amazing items and 2) they were having a sale. My theory is that if something is on sale, it fits, and it looks good then you buy it. You buy it in every color! I walked out of the store three corsets and three hundred dollars later which, considering that they had an original combined retail value of $1285, was an incredible deal. Meanwhile, I now have three new fabulous costume changes for the next LiCK show!

Life's a Drag - and I *LOVE* it!

This past Sunday, I was the MC for the 2011 calendar release party for The Liberty City Kings, aka LiCK. They are Philadelphia's only drag king and burlesque queen troupe, and I was extremely excited to be invited by their fabulous leader and co-founder, Heather Coutts, to be the MC for this event. I met Heather two years ago at QFest, and worked with her immediately thereafter on my first ever film set. She is one of my favorite Philadelphians and when she invited me to her favorite playground - gender - I wasn't about to turn her down.

I take my lessons in gender identity and drag from the great post modern theorists and New York performance artists: Kate Bornstein, Justin Bond, http://taylormac.net/TaylorMac.net/Home.html. Each in her/his/hir own way helped explode the binary gender system for me. Each is like an angel or a prophet from a future where sissies are as celebrated as the captain of the football team, a butch diesel dyke is the President of the United States, and nobody has to be anything but what makes them feel safe, loved and happy. They are so beautiful that they're sometimes almost too much to take in.

In truly post modern fashion, it doesn't exactly interest me to be a "man" in "women's" clothing. I think there's still huge value (and just plain fun) in drag queens and drag kings. For many audience members, it's still subversive. For those performing it, it's still a thrill to act in roles that aren't readily available in daily life. However, as Stephen Heath once wisely observed, "the difference inverted is the difference maintained."

Don't take that to mean that I think that drag artists are reinforcing the patriarchy, far from it. But at a certain point it is the destiny for some of us gender warriors to move beyond the binary entirely. Sometimes this looks like painting from both palettes at once; some go so far beyond anything recognizable in culture and fashion as to like more an alien species than another sex. This is what I yearn for in my performances. I'm not interested in being a drag queen exactly; I intend to ascend my throne as genderfuck royalty.

The really magical part, for me at least, is to realize that not every member of the audience lives in the gender fluid world that I do. For some, it is their first drag show. Probably, for many, they have seen many a drag queen belt out (or lip sync) a hundred and ten Liza Minelli songs, but never seen a drag king sing Buddy Holly. Many of our audience members may be gay and lesbian, but may have never considered living too far outside their gender norms. Whether it's the endless gay porn sites fetishizing "real straight men fucking" or another singles ad from a "discrete masc dude" who wants "no fats or fems," so many lesbian, gay, and bisexual people have been so busy telling straight people (and themselves, including a younger version of myself) that our sexuality doesn't make us any different, that we've jumped through gender normative hoops to prove it. In the process we've wounded ourselves and our own, and drag isn't just fun; it's healing.

As binary gender disintegrated practically before my eyes with every chapter of Gender Outlaw and every gender transcended performance I saw in New York, I found new things to love about myself and others. As it turns out, glitter accentuates chest hair, as opposed to somehow tarnishing it with "femininity." Never mind the point that we all come from mothers and are taught to hate femininity expressed pretty much everywhere but straight porn and Swiffer commercials. And let's face it, six inch heels are the only shot I've ever got to be taller than my Dad. (In fact, they make me the tallest man in the whole family! Well, whatever a man is anyway, and assuming, for the moment that I am one.) So there you go. If one more person leaves a show that I've performed in finding new and more beauty in the world, then I've succeeded not just as a performance artist, sassy queen, and hot leather boy, but also as a human being.

Cocktails for a Cause

In Which Twitter Debates Whether I am Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

OK, actually they were debating whether I was Guy Pearce in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, but that makes for a less fabulous blog title.  Read from the bottom up for the conversation chronologically; I was too lazy to screen shot each individual tweet and put them in the right order.  Besides, then they wouldn't have come out the same exact size and I would be shedding sad, perfectionist, Virgo tears ;D

I really, really love my friends. And will be re-watching Priscilla as soon as midterms are through.