01 March 2012

On casting aside the records (and maybe the memories, or not)

I occasionally wonder about if or how our constant recording of things shapes our ability, or lack there of, to move on from them. In less than two centuries time we've moved from only the affluent leaving behind their images (in painting or statuary) or ideas (in writing), then to daguerreotypes to Polaroids to Twitpic and Facebook Timeline. And I don't think any of it is inherently good or bad. But they're new things to consider in terms of how and when we look back, how we heal, how we move on, and how we let go.

But that's global and "we" and anthropological curiosity. Let me put it in the "I."

I used to use Gchat incessantly at work at Penn because my time and talents were underutilized and I was bored. After a while (and some promotions, and some managerial interventions) I stopped using it. So, just based on statistical likelihood, four years later most any search of my inbox will call forth an automatically archived Gchat conversation with Joey, some of which will be five years old this year. Almost half a decade. That's (on September 28th) how long ago we met. And he's been dead almost three years now. And still he comes to mind so often that it's crazy.

I'm not very good at remembering dates and anniversaries, unless there's a peculiar reason to, and then I'll never forget them. When Joey met me and was appalled to be flirting with a twenty three year old, he expressed hope that I'd soon be twenty four. "Nope. Haven't even been twenty three for two whole weeks yet." All of that to say, I'm not good at remembering them consciously, but something in me is incredibly attached to the date, because around an anniversary of his death or birth or our meeting or, as I experienced this past holiday season, our breaking up, I will find myself agitated, moody, sad, or otherwise just off without realizing why.

This year when it happened, I had a sneaking suspicion. I hit my inbox and searched for a particularly hurtful phrase (which I still remembered exactly) from a particularly hurtful email and, what do you know, it was the four years to the day after he half broke up with me, by email, and then left to volunteer with PAWS, knowing that he wouldn't be reachable after doing so. After his death I cried, wrote letters, forgave, and asked forgiveness. Which, as it turns out, doesn't keep something deep within me from mourning or hurting or being so fucking pissed off that I would absolutely belt him across the face if he were to be resurrected tomorrow.

That funny knowing-before-knowing again this week. A TV show reminded me of an argument we had about his smoking. He was leaving shortly and was going to smoke before he left. I told him not to since he was about to leave anyway, and I didn't want to kiss him goodbye right after a cigarette. I told him I wouldn't. He smoked, and I wouldn't kiss him. In my recent remembering I thought of myself as having been straight forward, him telling me that his friends took his side and called me tedious, and me being sure that I had disagreed with them and him at the time.

Well, today's inbox search for a board related event email turned up the Gchat about that evening from November 2007. He called me puerile. And I was profusely apologetic. I was simpering. I was pleading. And, I was absolutely disgusted looking back at it today. I was mad that years later I want him to come back, sit down, talk about how we treated each other, apologize, and move on. Thus I decided that I don't want to feel shitty on a given day and wonder what fight we had what feels like lifetimes ago and I deleted every chat and email. Gone. No more record of what happened between us, other than what I carry with me.

I had very few things of his after he died but I remember being very angry that I chose to donate the one shirt of his I had, after wearing it a year or two, and then not having it in my closet and not remembering donating it, and feeling like I'd lost a piece of intentional closure. Eventually it turned up again, and I gave it away with intention and that was that. The only thing I have now is a fax he sent me one day at work. I actually hate what the fax reminds me of, but in and of itself is nice enough. I kept it because it's handwritten (albeit an electronic copy of handwriting) and it felt like the one thing worth saving until I myself die.

Incidentally, I now keep one handwritten thing from every person I love. Sometimes it's just a label from a Christmas present. Sometimes this year's card stays and last year's gets tossed because neither say anything profound and both have the same signature, and it seems to make sense to have the most recent copy.

 I think more than wanting to hash things out with Joey, I would like him to see me four years older and wiser, self actualized, with an education, no longer wasting my talents. That he could be in a relationship with me when he was, that he could relate to me then, spoke as much about where he was as I. So I can be mad about how he treated me, and I can be mad that I took it, but we were where we were. You know, that whole thing about every relationship in your life being a mirror and us just having love/hate, love/hate, anger, frustration, and saying the cruelest thing possible to win the last word. We both did. For better or worse, much of the person that I've become and am proud of came out of knowing him.

And, there's the part of me that is so, so, so relieved that he is not here. Relief, mixed as it was with profound grief and anger, was part of my reaction to his death almost immediately. It meant no more. No more not talking to him; suddenly it wasn't even an option. No more him inevitably coming back into my life. No more me falling for his charm. No more apologizing for things I wasn't sorry for. No more apologizing for things I was sorry for. No more doing things that made me feel like shit. No more queasiness and anger and frustration while I watched him hurt himself and others. Plus, what if somehow his living meant I didn't grow? Or what if he lived and I grew and he didn't and he couldn't be happy for me or proud of me? I wish we could be proud of each other, and friends, but his being dead means there's no risk either that somehow I could still be terribly hurt by him.

I think I've always been waiting for the part where the grief was gone. When I could talk about it cleanly. When I wouldn't have to talk about the relief that his death provided so that people wouldn't think I was a terrible person. While the mourning has long since passed, I realize that the grief never will. I think knowing that is part of what made it both easy and necessary to delete all those old things. Reading them will only make me sad or angry, while continuing to move in the best direction possible from the sum of experiences of my life so far is my best bet for love, joy, and fulfillment. I will die loving him and I will die hurt by him and I will die angry with him. But, I don't need to look back. I've learned the lessons that I could; retrospection now is just opening old wounds.

Onward.

30 October 2011

Scripts for calling your Congressional Representatives about SNDA and SSIA

Thank you for taking the time to call your representatives in Congress to help pass the Student Non-Discrimination Act (SNDA) and the Safe Schools Improvement Act (SSIA). Below are the scripts for calling your representatives. Since the bills have different numbers in each house of Congress, you will see that there is one script to use for you two Senators, and a second script to use for your Representative in the House.

Senate Script (You will call both Senators from your state.)


"Hello,

My name is __________________________ and I'm calling from _______City, State_______  to express my support for Senate Bill 555, the Student Non-Discrimination Act, and Senate Bill 506, the Safe Schools Improvement Act.

Can you tell me where Senator _____________ stands on these bills?"

* If the Senator's staff tells you that the Senator is a co-sponsor of either or both bills:  "Thank you and thank Senator _____________ for his/her support.

* If the Senator supports both bills but isn't a co-sponsor of one or either: "Thank you and thank Senator _____________ for his/her support. I also ask that Senator _____________ consider co-sponsoring these bills in order to build momentum and help them pass."

* If the Senator doesn't support the bills: "I'm disappointed to hear that. Having a safe school environment for every child should be a basic American right. Please ask Senator ____________ to reconsider supporting these bills. I will be watching his/her vote."


* If the office staff isn’t sure: “Having a safe school environment for every child should be a basic American right. Please ask Senator  ____________ to support these bills, and to consider co-sponsoring both.”



House of Representatives Script (You only have one Representative to call.)

"Hello,

My name is __________________________ and I'm calling from _______City, State_______  to express my support for House Bill 998, the Student Non-Discrimination Act, and House Bill 1648, the Safe Schools Improvement Act.

Can you tell me where Representative _____________ stands on these bills?"

* If the Representative's staff tells you that the Representative is a co-sponsor of either or both bills:  "Thank you and thank Representative _____________ for his/her support.

* If the Representative supports both bills but isn't a co-sponsor of one or either: "Thank you and thank Representative _____________ for his/her support. I also ask that Representative _____________ consider co-sponsoring these bills in order to build momentum and help them pass."

* If the Representative doesn't support the bills: "I'm disappointed to hear that. Having a safe school environment for every child should be a basic American right. Please ask Representative ____________ to reconsider supporting these bills. I will be watching his/her vote."

* If the office staff isn’t sure: “Having a safe school environment for every child should be a basic American right. Please ask Representative ____________ to support these bills, and to consider co-sponsoring both.”

20 July 2011

Zanna Don't Comes to the William Way Community Center.

As many of you know, I am a huge fan and supporter of the William Way Community Center, having helped design their Homecoming event in June, including co-producing the entertainment portion of the evening.  Now, separately, another fine group of folks is putting on a series of shows at William Way which will simultaneously pay local artists, as well as raise funds for the Center. Talk about a win/win!  Currently, they are still casting their first show, Zanna Don't.  Check out the info below and please, share this with anyone you think may be interested.



Overview

Welcome to Heartsville High, set in a world where everyone is gay--well, almost everyone! The big-man-on-campus is the chess champion, and the captain of the football team is made cool by being cast as the lead in the school musical. The students write a controversial show called "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" about straight people in the military, which becomes the catalyst for a young man and woman to fall in love. Enter Zanna, a magical, musical fairy who, with a wave of his wand, brings true love to one and all!
Choreography by Cliff Roberts of "Two Step Friday's" at Woody's and "Brokeback Saturday's" at ICandy with costuming provided by Philly AIDS Thrift.  Zanna Don't will support the programming for William Way GLBT Community Center and feature the community.  Please friend "Zannadont Williamway" on Facebook orwillyphillydares@gmail.com for audition times and information."
Break Downs:
NOTE: all are seniors in high school, and should be cast as multi-culturally as possible.

ZANNA (tenor/baritone to high G): the heart and soul of Heartsville; a hip, fun-loving matchmaker, driven to make the world better, even if he doesn't always fully think through his choices

STEVE (baritone to E-flat above middle C): the new guy in town; All-American high school football hunk, but self-effacing and shy; hoping desperately to fit in, his dreams will be alternately fulfilled and shattered.

KATE (belt to C, plus a few other higher notes mixed in): sweet, innocent over-achiever who, like Steve, is not quite prepared to have her world thrown upside-down.

MIKE (tenor/baritone to high G): all-around cool guy; captain of the chess team, which makes him king of the school, but with a humble appreciation of the simple joys in life, like finding that one special guy to settle down with.

ROBERTA (belt to high F): tough as nails on the outside, a hopeless romantic on the inside; perennial unlucky in relationships, she heroically, and comically, never gives up her pursuit of true love.

TANK (tenor/baritone to high G): Zanna's sidekick, and the school DJ; somewhere between nerdy and ultra-cool, he's also hopelessly in love with Zanna; doubles as a DINER CUSTOMER and also TEX.

CANDI (belt to C, plus a few other higher notes mixed in): the school's narrow-minded busy-body, the one you love to hate; doubles as a DINER CUSTOMER and LORETTA.

ARVIN (baritone to E-flat; should have a few low notes as well): Candi's browbeaten sidekick; a nice guy who just sort of goes with the flow; doubles as DINER CUSTOMER and also BRONCO.